33 Funny Facebook Statuses

The trick with funny Facebook statuses, as with humor in general, is to comment on life, news, sports and everything else in the world with a twist to pull a smile onto the face of anyone. The best comedians know that comedy comes from a surprise twist, a comment on something everyone knows about and a twisted look at the way the world is! Funny Facebook statuses allow you your moment of comedy and allow you to showcase how you feel about the world without revealing a lot of personal information about yourself. Plus sometimes it’s fun to just get a laugh! While obviously you want to put your own spin on life and the meanings therein, we’ve compiled a list of some of our favorites to get you started on your way to Facebook comedic genius!

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  1. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments (True. Creditors are sometimes the only ones to inquire after my health if I’ve been gone for a while.)
  2. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. (Double again by NOT giving in to that impulse buy!)
  3. Money can’t buy happiness, but it pays for internet which is pretty much the same thing.


Family and Friends

  1. I’m jealous of my parents; I’ll never have a kid as cool as theirs…. (or as bratty….)
  2. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. (Ignorance truly is bliss….)
  3. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up. (Ditto could be said for marriages to some extent.)
  4. A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy, that was fun.’ (And your sibling will be the one to bail you out and demand to know why you didn’t invite them to come along!)
  5. Marriage is like going to a restaurant and ordering your choice from the menu and then looking at the neighboring table and wishing you’d ordered that. (Your partner is thinking the exact same thing.)
  6. I’d call you a Tool, but even THEY sever a purpose.
  7. Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough. (Probably shouldn’t after 25 either…)

Life and Death


  1. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. (If you want them to come faster, try ordering donuts. It’s worth a try.)
  2. Life’s a bitch; if it were easy, it’d be a slut. (Either way, you’re screwed).
  3. If life gives you questions, Google gives you answers. (but if you spend too long there, you’ll get more questions and then what!)
  4. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it was meant to be. If it does not, hunt it down & kill it. (unless it was the flu. No one wants that to come back)
  5. Don’t look at me in that tone of voice! (or say something in that facial expression).
  6. I may be old enough to know better, but I’m STILL young enough to DO IT….
  7. That awkward moment when someone is doing dishes and you slowly put another dish in the sink. (Damn it, why can’t people finish at the SAME TIME! Is that so hard?!)
  8. I feel great when I go to bed drunk. I wake up feeling like crap. Obviously sleep is bad for you.
  9. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to your level and then beat you with experience. (Just watch the Senate arguing for proof of that).

Food and Diet


  1. I have finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says “ for extra volume and body.”
  2. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing. (don’t feed me coffee until I’m done!)
  3. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. (Going out to the car twice for the same reason is a complete waste of time!)
  4. America is a country where half the money is spent buying food and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.
  5. Tip to reduce weight: first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.





  1. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. (Only the stuff in diapers could conceivably be rendered into something useful).
  2. Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake. (Just smile and shake your head slowly).
  3. The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.




  1. I’m a smart person, I just do stupid things. (The evidence speaks for itself…)
  2. I follow the quote, “Always be true to yourself” because I only lie to others! (the mirror counts as ‘others’, right?)
  3. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you! (neither is being shot out of a cannon, tight-rope walking without a net or wrestling alligators. Sorry!)
  4. Don’t let your mind wander, it’s too little to be let out alone. (Get a leash for it…)
  5. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
  6. It may look like I’m doing nothing, but I’m actively waiting for my problems to go away. (Just a little longer….)

Of course, there are scads more funny status updates out there and you should always feel free to add your own! Remember: a spin on something common to life, a funny twist or a new way to look at the world and you’ll be off and running. Enjoy!


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